In a night of dark introspection, I wrote the first verse, then the second, without their final rhymes. This song began as lost as its first stanzas. No direction. No identity. Just a smeared vision coming into focus at the end of a dark tunnel.
After the first verses, it struck me as a hymn, and I decided to honor the elements–water, air, fire, earth– and the universal flowing spirit of Divinity. It quickly became an ode to my secret spiritual awareness as a witch. I knew I needed a refrain for it to be a hymn. I heard the melody cadence in my mind but I could not hear the words. I continued to write.
Before finishing the final verse, the refrain came to me– …living in the grey. It terrified me–and rightfully so. The grey means so many different things, each one as haunting as the last. Psychologically, it refers to the state of my mind–constantly on edge with anxiety and fighting through dark moments of my major depression. Walking through the darkest memories and emotions of my past, attempting to live in light, usually falling somewhere in the middle. Spiritually, it refers to the grey witch in me.
The grey refers to the matter in which I live my life. Somewhere between the paths of dark and light, good and evil, there lies a multitude of little paths, some travelled by members of antiquity, others being blazed anew by the brazen courage of a curious heart. Though I am unsure whether I am blazing a new or previously travelled road, it is certain that it is not one of the 2 extremes I was led to believe were the limitations of options for my existence.
I finished the song in less than an hour, with the exception of few musical changes. Even after admitting to, and even celebrating the refrain, it made me uneasy. It felt like a commitment. I know it isn’t, its just a song. Still, each piece somehow seems like a promise all its own, a little creation which captures the promise of moment. Once the moment passes, the emotions live on through the song, which reaches out to a kindred soul to haunt.
Though this is a less than perfect performance of this song, I want to share it, so I forgive myself the imperfections of my performance. I hope you will forgive those things also and enjoy this piece of my soul, this moment of my history, this thing which makes me.
Living in the Grey
I’m sailing on a sea.
Nobody is here with me.
I’m lonely but I’m free
–living in the grey.
I’m whistling on the wind,
waiting on the call of a friend.
My song, it has no end.
Existing for today,
and I’m living in the grey.
I’m burning at the core,
always fighting, asking for more.
But from the ashes I will soar,
A Phoenix, bird of prey,
and I’m living in the grey.
I’m home and I am whole.
The soil has paid my demon’s toll,
and there’s no burden on my soul.
The moon is just a breath away,
and she’s living in the grey.
Sweet Spirit, come to me.
Our Lady of Divinity,
teach me how to live and be.
The moon is just a breath away
for a Phoenix, bird of prey
who’s existing for today,
when you’re living in the Grey.
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